A Modest Proposal

In my 18th Century Character and Culture class this semester, we have been reading Jonathan Swift. We read, of course, his essay, "A Modest Proposal" which offers up a solution (completely satirical, of course) to the poverty problem in England in the 18th Century. Swift proposes that the children of the poor be served up as food for the rich. The skins of the babies could be used to make fine gloves and boots, and freeing up the amount of children that the poor have to care for would enable the mothers to find work.

It is, of course, satire, but many readers thought Swift was serious. A piece that was written in the darkest of humors that was meant to express the rage Swift felt at the plight of the poor was grossly misinterpreted.

Dr. Givan required that we write a modest proposal of our own, addressing a social issue. Mine follows below. In order to avert the mistaken interpretation that I am serious, let me just remind my readers that I am planning to enter a the hallowed halls of Academia myself. I would also like to say I harbor the utmost respect for my professors, many of whom are past the retirement age suggested in the following text. I would not have them retire for many years to come.

Yet, I wouldn't mind having their jobs when I finish my PhD program in the next five years or so.

A Modest Proposal Regarding the State of Academia

It has come to pass over the course of the past several years, that, with the increase in attendance at the institutions of higher learning, and the increased interest in the study of the literature of the English language (and other literatures and languages besides) that there are more individuals possessing the title of "Doctor" entering the field than are retiring each year. The sad result of this major success in the recruitment departments of liberal arts programs everywhere, is that there are more doctors of English being produced than all the universities and junior colleges in the country could house.

There is a surplus, a plethora, of ambitious individuals hoping to better the world by receiving a tenure track position at one of the hallowed halls of education. These well-informed individuals are desperate for a place that will allow them to theorize over and interpret not only texts that have been analyzed beyond recognition, but also to criticize and debate the theories and interpretations of said texts. Yet because of the plethora of eager individuals who are filled with the knowledge of their own self-importance, it is difficult to find a place for them to carry out this work of theorization and dissection of texts.

This very important work must be allowed to continue yet these new Doctors of English have nowhere to go. There is simply no room for them in the hallowed halls of education. Why is this? Because the very same professors that educated our new Doctors are so enrapt in the profession of analyzing texts and teaching texts that they do not realize they have reached their expiration date and they continue to teach long after it is decent or polite to do so.

As a result, the new, young, vibrant Doctors of English are forced instead into adjunct positions, teaching endless sections of Freshman Composition, becoming embittered as they grade draft after draft and finally coming to loathe the near perfect world of Academia in their resentment at not being granted an office with (for the lucky ones) a window and a placard bearing their name and titles, and wall space on which to hang the documentation demonstrating their erudite state.

In order to prevent the embitterment of these noble young Doctors of Language and Literature, it would be prudent to ensure that the old and failing members of this group are appropriately cared for once they reach the age of fifty. If the average person finishes her PhD between the ages of twenty-five and thirty, the retirement age of fifty would allow a solid twenty to twenty-five years of teaching and study. At this point, the possessors of the title "doctor" will be relocated to a new home, a facility where, under the supervision of others, they will be allowed to continue their academic studies and debates and remain completely engrossed in their field specializations. The majority of the retired professors will not even note the difference in their location, as they very rarely look up from their books long enough to notice what is going on in the world around them.

It would be prudent to ensure that the facilities that will be built for these aged intellectuals has a sufficient distribution of rooms that possess windows, and rooms that don't. The faculty that spent the majority of their years in windowless offices and archives may experience agoraphobia if they suddenly have an outside view. Likewise, those who became accustomed to the slight distractions of viewing the outside world could become melancholy should they be deprived their only experience of Nature. The relocated Academy will be allowed to possess its books, with the majority of the personal collections to be allocated for the facility library. It is highly important that the Academians be allowed the experience of the amenities they were used to at the Universities, otherwise the relocation will be more obvious to them. Ensure that a poorly functioning microfilm and microfiche reader is available, and that, on various days, the equipment malfunctions. It is imperative for their mental abilities that they be challenged with practical problems from time to time, not just those dealing with the issues of dissecting texts.

In this fashion, the aged doctors can still maintain the feelings of importance that they acquired during their years of carving texts to be served up for the edification of students, and only of interest to other scholars, while not interfering with the ability of the young to carve the same texts to be served up for further edification of new students and other scholars.

I feel that it is imperative that this relocation program be put into practice immediately, beginning gradually at first to ensure a balance between experienced and new faculty members in the universities. It is important, however, that it be in place in full force in the next five to six years, to ensure that students beginning their doctoral programs in the near future will have the benefit of immediate employment upon completion of their dissertations.